When I decided to embark on this experiment, I had high hopes of emerging from this endeavor to find myself completely different. I had visions of being thin, preparing for a marathon and welcoming droves of people into my immaculate home to partake of a foreign dish I had whipped up in ten minutes with one hand behind my back. I also envisioned myself securing a high paying job, with one or two promotions for just being so good at what I do! Well, I sit here today, with my experiment complete, still struggling in so many areas. Even last night, as I had my quiet time with God, I was convicted to become more obedient and more willing to do whatever it takes to get closer to Him.
It's interesting, as I look back to the beginning of my sixty days, I see a huge focus on the "outward" acts of doing the right thing. Things like making lists, carving out a schedule, drinking enough water, going on a strict diet, etc. I had thought that doing the right thing was about fitting myself into a certain mold. As the experiment went on, I began looking inward and upward and I learned that, while my efforts to live by a set schedule and list of rules was a worthy endeavor, none of these outward things mattered in the long run if I was not being transformed on the inside. The key for me was realizing that in joining the two together, they would add up to the sum of who I knew God wanted me to be.
There was a week or two when this blog became a burden to me, and it shows by the fact that I skipped entries when I was just too overwhelmed. Normally, I would have just walked away from it all, but I knew I had to pick myself up and finish what I had started, even though you all knew I had not kept my promise to post on this blog every single day. It was a true eye-opener for me to comprehend that I can't just give up, and there is great satisfaction in just finishing the race, even if we come in last!
In my first blog about my foster mother, the focus was on her thoughts, which were consistently about Jesus. I then created this blog and thought I would just sort of mention God somewhere around the edges. Well, HE had other plans! I learned there is no true success if I do not honor God, who makes all things possible -even giving me the ability to sit down to write each day. As I came to realize that, I received tremendous blessings as I turned my success or failures over to God. As I read and shared last week - God didn't rescue you, so you could keep your story to yourself!
So, you're probably asking yourself - did she really change? Is she now the screaming success she thought she would be? Well, yes and no. Through this process, I learned to forgive myself for not measuring up to my own perfectionistic standards. I realized about half-way into this experiment that to compare myself to a perfect model, I would become so discouraged,I would live my life in failure. There has only ever been one perfect human througout history, and that is Jesus. If I could have been perfect, there would have been no need for Jesus to suffer and die. He already knew I could never be perfect. I think He was just waiting for me to figure that out!
So, if I wasn't a total success - what did change? I would have to say the answer lies in the condition of my heart. Yes, I did lose ten pounds (and gained back three). Yes, I do have a better budget and a more organized approach to my household, so there are some tangible changes others can see. I never did sleep on my back to improve my posture, like I was told by my doctor. I think I tried once, but after about sixty seconds, I rolled over!
What changed the most was my new understanding of what really matters - things like taking that time each day to sit and read with my daughter, and then spending time with God right before turning out my light at night. Reaching out to others and carving out a time to sit and share life's ups and down's each week with a friend. Learning that each of us has our own journey to walk, and that I'm here on this earth for a reason - to speak up in love, to point others to the cross, and to listen and bear other's burdens with a non-judgemental attitude. I even saw a tentative relationship built with someone I would have never guessed I would have positive interactions with. I learned that being offended by life's little problems is really a form of pride.
What's the most important thing I learned? That sixty days is not long enough to seek positive changes in my life! Yes, my online experiment is over, but doing the right thing is no longer an experiment for me. It's the goal I embrace for each day, each decision, each opportunity God brings my way. I also learned that I will never always do the right thing, and when I fall short, I need to humbly take it to God, who makes all things new. When I am down, the best thing I can do is get back up! People are watching - they need to know that we all fall, and when we fall, we can still reach up for that Hand which is waiting to set us back on our feet.
Life is for living, and the right thing is for "doing". As I consciously thought about doing the right thing, I was that much more aware of how often I come up short. Instead of walking around in shame, I decided to share the ups and downs with others. It is my hope that someone, somewhere has been able to relate and find encouragement through this blog.
I promised you that I would have a new link here on the page for my newest blog. Truth be told, I had a sick child all weekend, and have not started it! I am really going to pray about what God would want me to write about, and when it becomes clear, I will post the links in the profile you see near the top of the page.
Until Then~~~Elizabeth
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