Day 57

What I did:

Yesterday brought difficult news. My foster sister, Annie, passed away at 1:30 in the morning. Annie had pancreatic cancer, discovered in December, 2008. Annie was a Christian, and had a certain peace throughout the process of discovery all the way through to her first moments in heaven. I had always looked up to her. She was one of the oldest girls at the home we grew up in, and I was the baby. There were quite a few years separating us. Annie made time for me, though. When she found out she was carrying her first child, she came into my bedroom and showed me a blanket she was making to tell me about her new baby. Each time she came home to visit, she got together with me alone. We talked about her life and she always told me she loved me. I remember a puzzle she showed me once. It was a picture of two little girls playing in the sand on the beach. Annie said the puzzle made her think of her own biological sister, Barb, who she had found as an adult. Annie relayed that when she saw the puzzle, it made her think of how she and her sister might have played together if they had known each other as kids. Annie, my other foster sisters and I understood the silent longing we'd all had growing up. The curiosity of what it might have been like if we were born to parents that loved each other and us.

I spent some time yesterday working outside, then came in and was in a pretty self-defeating slump for the rest of the day. I knew I should be accomplishing something - anything, but I just felt bad. My inactivity really cemented the defeated mood I allowed myself to sink into. The fog I was in yesterday has really drifted into today as I sit here and write. I decided to create a list of things I want to accomplish today, just so I can check them off, whether I "feel" good about today or not.

What I learned:

I learned that feelings can be deceptive and have a tremendously negative affect on life in general. Some of the things I learn from day to day are things I have already learned before. I wonder why I know these things, yet I fall victim to their power off and on throughout life.

When I feel discouraged on the inside, I tend to brood, which leads to feeling worse and worse. On the flip side, when I feel upset and I get out there and accomplish things, when all I want to do is hide my head in the sand to make life go away, the constructive activity chases away the discouragement.

I would write more, but I'm going to jump up now and get going!

Until Tomorrow~~~Elizabeth