Day 10

What I did:

Yesterday was cold and rainy, so I didn't go out for a jog. I thought about the project I want to do for my family member for Easter, so I found a really great website : www.ehow.com It was incredible! You can look up pretty much anything on that site, and it tells you "how" to accomplish something. Yes, it even had instructions for my idea. I would definitely recommend this site to anyone! Check it out :)

Yesterday was a work day for me, so I got some things done around the house before I headed out the door. I did sort of trudge through the day, feeling like I should have exercised. After work, I came home and had a great salad with a boiled egg and Jamaican salmon. I'm seeing the end of my food budget creeping up on me, and this week also is the first week my paycheck will be cut by half. I'm really nervous about that.

I printed out my "Motivated Moms" daily sheet for tomorrow (today). I hate, hate, hate lists, but I thought I would try it. I reviewed the sheet and realized I could accomplish a lot of those things even before I take the kids to school in the morning.

My little one and I read to each other last night (she's really into it!), and I totally vegged out in front of the TV...waiting for The Biggest Loser to come on. I had about an hour of "nothing TV" just waiting for my show. I was inspired by The Biggest Loser (I cry every time), and went to bed to have my daily devotional time and read.

What I learned:

Well, the first thing I learned is that there is something available online for anything our creative little minds can conjure up. Learning something new via self-study is a great thing! Not only did I see a simple way to accomplish my goal, I also found motivation by seeing a version of the finished product on the web page.

The second thing I learned is that the television is a great "creativity stealer". Why did I sit and watch nothing for an hour waiting for my anticipated show to come on? Because it was easier to simply sit than it was to get up and get moving doing something else. I learned that I need to set aside time for the thing I really want to watch on TV, and do something - anything else in the other hours of my day. TV doesn't have to be replaced by cleaning toilets - it can be replaced with another activity that I love, and tell myself I never have time to do anymore.

The third thing I learned, and this is a tough one, is that I may be the only one who even reads what I am writing here. I love to write. I have written poetry since I was a child. If I could pick any occupation in the world in which to feel complete and productive, it would be writing. My biggest character flaw is the nagging feeling that what I say isn't important to anyone, and I'm sure that comes from my childhood:

I was a foster kid in a wonderful group home for girls until the age of seven. I did struggle with the fact that my parents didn't want me, and it set me up to feel that I just didn't matter, though the staff at the Home were so attentive and loving. After I was removed from the Home by my father and his new wife, I went to live with them, along with my sisters. Long story (a little) shorter, things started out ok, but quickly descended into a life confined to my bedroom - sleeping, eating and playing, only being allowed to come out to silently do chores and go to school. My father became frightening, sullen and unaproachable, sent my two sisters away one at a time, and my stepmother left. After moving in with my mother at the age of 12, I was allowed free run of the house while my mother lived in her own bedroom. It seemed to me that wherever I was, no one else wanted to be. It left a huge impact on me, feeling like I had nothing to offer to anyone. Add to that, a church counselor who broke ranks to give me unnatural and unlawful attention, and I started thinking I only had my outward appearance to offer in order to actually get any attention. That also set me up for a life in which I never worked on the "inner me", only the outer appearance. This was never satisfying and my inner self became more and more ugly as I chased after the unsubstantial dream of becoming someone who "mattered" because of which make-up I wore, or what size I could fit into. This is a big motivator in my desire to find real change, with God's help!

So as I sat thinking about this blog, and the fact that it is but a raindrop in an ocean of online blogs and information, I asked myself if it really mattered whether I wrote every day. My answer is "yes". It makes all the difference to me, even if I am the only living soul who reads it and is transformed by it. Do I want to encourage others? More than anything - that's the reason this is a public blog, but the deep down purpose for writing this is for myself to become a more compassionate, healthy, organized, vibrant Christian woman, as I seek to help others along the way.

Until Tomorrow~~~Elizabeth