Day 50

What I did:

Wow, only ten (make that nine) days to go! I have been tossing around the idea of setting a regular schedule of work time here at home and that's what I did yesterday. You would think I may have already crossed that bridge, but it takes some of us a little longer to get around the block! I have already set aside time to get the housework done. I have consistently made time each night to read with my little one. I have a schedule each morning so we all get out of the house with everything accomplished - BUT - I have never etched out a certain time each day to do the thing I love the most - write. I have been told I have a gift for writing, and believe me, some days are way better than others! When I was young, I used to spend time alone in my room writing out poetry as my recreation and play time. Each and every time I sit down to write, I have a sense of peace and satisfaction that I am doing something I genuinely enjoy. Yesterday, at 43 years old, I finally told myself it is O.K. to schedule a time in the day to do something I yearn to immerse myself in. Some people are "crafty". Some people have green thumbs. Some people find great delight in cooking up a fantastic meal. Sitting down to type with my pink thumbs, next to a window overlooking a plot full of weeds after eating a frozen pizza has never bothered me in the least!

I went a little further and researched the internet for a list of Christian literary agents and also book companies that will accept unsolicited manuscripts. I have begun to write a non-fiction for the adolescent population. I'm not sure where it will take me, but it is my passion and it's time I stop pretending to be someone I'm not and begin to get comfortable just being me!

I also took the time to go watch my son in his boxing class last night. I almost didn't go, but he asked if I would, and I did. He shyly looks at me a lot when he is going through his drills and I understand that his heart needs to know I care enough to set aside other things to focus on and support him. I'm glad I did.

What I learned:

Whew...I learned that God gave me wholesome desires and internal passions so I could be productive and find contentment deep within by following those things He has put in my heart. I have berated myself long enough for not having the "normal" gifts that a lot of women I look up to in my life have. I have even been envious of them and ashamed of myself. I have blamed my upbringing - not enough teaching and direction to equip me to provide my kids with homemade outfits and five layer birthday cakes from scratch. Now that I am no longer hiding who I am and what I enjoy, I realize that all the training in the world to do these admirable things would have felt more like having a root canal than something I really wanted to do. I am not disparaging these activities because I do still greatly admire these gifts. I just realized that my own passion, my own gift is unique to me, and nothing to be ashamed of! I don't even know the moment in my life I began to be embarrassed of my desire to write. I do remember also loving to read, but hiding my books at school so the other kids wouldn't make fun of what I liked. I have spent a lifetime hiding my true self and pretending to be like other people I look up to. I can't even express how freeing it is to simply give my gifts to the Lord to use in whatever way He chooses. Life is short - it is not up to us to withold our talents and deny blessing others because we think so little of ourselves deep down. Now is the time to release our passions to God and then wait patiently for Him to use our gifts to build up those around us!

I do believe another reason I have not pursued this dream is because I was never in a position in life to allow God to lead me in the direction He wanted me to go. I was very zealous in my twenties, but also held out on the hopes that I would someday write about all the hurt and wrongs done to me in life. That obviously wasn't what the Lord wanted from me, so I remained stagnant and brooding. As recently as about two weeks ago, I was still toying with the idea of writing something that omitted God on the pages. That little voice inside (like I said, you know the one) told me I have one opportunity as I live this life to make God central, or to eliminate Him from my endeavors. Once I saw it that way, the decision was easy. He is my Lord, and every nook and cranny of my life needs to have His light shining in, and glowing out of it!

Until Tomorrow~~~Elizabeth